U mad, bro?: Readers have helmet-cap hysteria, Steelers 'hold-in' sanctimony, Pirates trade deadline depression

The Steelers have a wide receiver staging a “hold-in.” The Pirates just traded their best pitcher and recently endured a seven-game losing streak.

And the NFL is making their players wear weird safety cushions on their helmets.

Oh, also, you may not have heard about this one. It may have slipped by you in recent weeks. But they are changing the name of Heinz Field!

What??!!

So, let’s just say that it wasn’t hard to fill up this week’s “U mad, bro?”

Someone calling themselves “DGL” sent a tweet about the “Guardian Cap” protective shells NFL players are wearing on their helmets in practices.

Considering that his Twitter handle is “@oldguywhogolfs,” this may be the most “on-brand” post in the history of social media.

Jack Lambert or Greg Lloyd would never put those stupid things on their helmets. What’s next a dress……

— DGL (@oldguywhogolfs) August 3, 2022

Sorry, DGL, but if T.J. Watt is wearing a Guardian Cap, then Jack Lambert and Greg Lloyd would’ve worn one as well. If Lambert and Lloyd were playing today, they would wear the caps or else they would’ve been fined and/or been banned from participating.

However, I do love this inherent Pittsburgh-bred belief that if you magically transported Lambert or Lloyd from days of yore into the 2020s, they would be these renegade, outlaw sheriff types. They’d completely refuse to conform to the rules and would instantly drag us by our hippie ponytails back to the romanticized good ol’ days of real man football that we have all forgotten.

I’m with you, though, @oldguywhogolfs. I’m a happier person fantasizing about Lambert taking out his false teeth before practice, walking into Mike Tomlin’s office, slamming the Guardian Cap down on the desk and saying, “I ain’t wearing it!”

Sincerely, your new best friend,

@oldguywhoyellsatclouds

Walter has “had it up to here, n’at” with Diontae Johnson’s “hold-in” at Steelers training camp.

Enough of this nonsense: trade him

— Walter (@walterwonky) August 3, 2022

Agreed, Walter. Nothing drives up a player’s trade value more than saying, “We’re sick of this guy. We just want to get rid of him. Who will give me a seventh-round pick for this Pro Bowler? What? No one? How about a new Gatorade cooler, then?”

That’s an especially narrow point of view considering JuJu Smith-Schuster is playing in Kansas City now, and Chase Claypool’s shoulder currently wrapped up every practice.

As I wrote Wednesday, if Omar Khan gets a call from Dallas or Denver looking to overpay in draft picks for Johnson after their recent injuries, I’d listen.

But simply trading a 100-catch wide receiver for the sake of washing your hands of him is cutting off your nose to spite your face.

More Tim Benz:

• First Call: Steelers floated as trade partner for Bears' tackle; Steel Curtain snubbed on ESPN list; Josh Bell's Padres debut
• Plenty of reasons for Steelers to embrace multiple-tight end 'mode' even more in 2022

Let’s mix in a fan letter. Dorian loves my work.

“The amount of blatant negativity regarding our sports teams is at an all time high and quite frankly you’re at the head of the class in terms of the Pittsburgh sports media. Why so hateful? We are blessed to have winning organizations like the Steelers and the Penguins, I’m just not sure why every article you write is fraught with snarky negativity.

I’m absolutely not suggesting that you cheerlead, however you are way on the other side of the spectrum. How would your tone be if you lived in a sports town like Cleveland or Buffalo?”

To address your last point right away, Dorian, my tone would automatically be less negative if I lived in Cleveland or Buffalo because I wouldn’t have to write about the Pirates.

Does that qualify as “fraught with snarky negativity”? Or was that more “overt and callous” negativity? Because if that’s what you are looking for, check back with me in November if the Steelers run defense and offensive line play hasn’t improved. I’ll definitely be in that mode by then.

Speaking of the Pirates, I noticed you left them out of your “blessed to have winning organizations” soliloquy. Was that an oversight?

Is it also an oversight that you seem to have conveniently forgotten that the Penguins haven’t won a playoff series in four years and that the Steelers are in the longest playoff-win drought since the Immaculate Reception?

You say “hateful.” I say “realistic.” And if I’m at the head of the class for realism, then thank you for the kind words. Email any time.

Speaking of snarky negativity, DJH emailed about the Pirates trading Jose Quintana at the deadline.

“If the Pirates acquired Quintana expecting to trade him once they were out of the playoffs, why was he there after Opening Day? Because trust me that was when they were out of playoff contention.”

C’mon, DJH! What would your tone be if you lived in Cleveland or Buffalo?

“Leland” sent an email during the Pirates’ recent seven-game losing streak.

“Should we call Edgar Snyder? There may be a case for false advertising. Bob Nutting is calling this Major League Baseball.”

Does Edgar Snyder specialize in advertising law? How about Bordas and Bordas? On their website they boast about claiming an $11.5 million settlement from a bad faith insurance case.

I’d argue that the Pirates have been operating in bad faith with their fans for decades now.

Finally, here is an email from “Cheech” about the Heinz Field name change to Acrisure Stadium

“I suggest we call it ‘Aryasure” Stadium.’ Like ‘Are ya sure’ you want to name it that?”

Or, “Aryasure” you want to throw the ball sideways to your running back on fourth-and-10 against the Bengals?

Or, “Aryasure” you want to design an offense that relies on every passing play to be five yards short of the sticks when you need at least 10 yards for a first down?

Or, “Aryasure” you want to keep complaining about the name change when Heinz only employs a fraction of the people in Pittsburgh that it used to, doesn’t even make ketchup here anymore and offered significantly less per year to maintain the naming rights?

I like this idea! I think “Cheech” is onto something.