Mark Madden: Fauci's symbolic 1st pitch and other storylines surrounding start of unprecedented MLB season

“Opening day — or Opening Day. Depending on how you feel about it.” — Jim Bouton, “Ball Four.”

Major League Baseball season is upon us, even if it probably shouldn’t be. Dr. Anthony Fauci threw a first pitch at Nationals Park in D.C. that made Baba Booey look like Greg Maddux. (Angel Hernandez called it a strike.) Then the skies gave way to a torrential downpour in the sixth inning.

Good thing none of that is symbolic.

Pittsburgh’s economy got crushed when the Toronto Blue Jays were denied PNC Park as their 2020 home. (The hopes of Pirates fans were crushed long before.) Canada inexplicably doesn’t want covid moving back and forth freely across its borders.

Rejecting the Blue Jays is far more damaging than Amazon not building a headquarters in Pittsburgh. (OK, not really.) It will cost the city zillions. (How many is a zillion? If you have to ask, big man…you can’t afford it.) Think about revenue lost from schlocky faux logo “Pittsburgh Blue Jays” (or “Steel Jays” or whatever) T-shirts.

Canada used to be America’s hat. Now America is Canada’s shoe, and Canada unceremoniously scraped off the Blue Jays.

Can MLB beat the pandemic? Nationals slugger Juan Soto sure can’t.

Soto missed the first two weeks of training camp 2.0 because he was exposed to covid. Now the “allegedly” tag has been removed: Soto got the ‘rona and missed the opener.

But an anonymous player added perspective when he told ESPN’s Jeff Passan, “I honestly think horny dudes on the road are what’s going to bring this thing down.”

Tinder is the enemy: Swipe right to cancel the season.

A 60-game season that no one takes seriously beyond revenue is a good chance for MLB to test out ways to ruin baseball further.

Tampa Bay is experimenting with a five-man infield because people turn on the TV to see defensive strategy.

Virtual fans will be inserted into Fox telecasts using digital technology. If the Pirates are out of contention in two weeks, will PNC Park be made to look virtually empty? Art should imitate life.

The National League will use a designated hitter for the first time, but the Pirates don’t really have one. (Actually, they do: Josh Bell. But he’ll cry if he doesn’t play first base.)

The Pirates will use Chad Kuhl and Steven Brault to fill the fifth spot in their rotation. One starts and pitches three innings, the other relieves and pitches three innings. The concept is called “piggybacking.” It had been called “both these guys stink, so we’d better not let either pitch for very long,” but that was too wordy. (How often will either survive three innings?)

MLB will use a 16-team playoff for 2020. The Pirates still won’t make it.

The division winners will choose first-round foes on a selection show. The degree of insult lessens slightly with each pick. The first-round series is best-of-three, which means baseball’s elite can’t blink or they get bounced. A 40-20 team could be eliminated by a team that’s 27-33.

The Pirates will not be that 27-33 team.

I’m insulting the Pirates as much as possible in this column because they deserve it, it’s fun, and that’s what pitcher Derek Holland wants.

“We love that. Please keep doing it,” Holland said. “Keep ripping us apart. Keep telling us that you think we suck and all that. I love it, and so do those guys. I promise you, you’re feeding the fire. Love that.”

Glad to oblige. I’m not sure anybody on a team that lost 93 games last year should thump his chest in defiance of criticism, let alone a pitcher whose ERA in 2019 was 6.08. (Holland is in the rotation, and he’s not even one of the piggyback guys.)

The Pirates were 0-3 in training camp 2.0. They were 3-15-2 in the prior training camp. That’s 3-18-2 total, but Holland feels expectations should be higher. (MLB should find a way to break ties in exhibition games. Maybe three-on-three overtime followed by a shootout.)

All I want is a quick start that fuels false hope. IT’S A FREAK SHOW!

Maybe the Blue Jays fold and the Pirates absorb their roster. It would be like combining two big piles of fertilizer.