Lori Falce: Not all dads are fathers

On Sunday, barbecues will fire up, hammocks will be in full swing and ties will be wrapped and ready to be oohed and ahhed over. Father’s Day will have arrived, the day when we celebrate the dads in our lives.

But with that in mind, let’s remember that not all dads are the guys who helped bring us into the world. Sometimes, they are the ones who help us navigate through it.

I know this intimately because my father died when I was 15 months old, stolen by a car crash and leaving me reaching for that missing hand the rest of my life.

That doesn’t mean I didn’t have that kind of presence guiding me.

My Grandpa Bill taught me important lessons — like gravity and its effect on sleds and the importance of a good nap. From Grandpa Nick, I learned about good guard dogs and good friends.

My Uncle Dirk showed me how much you can say when you are quiet. Uncle Gary gave me lessons on arguing with people whom you love. It was Uncle John who showed me patience and humor. Uncle Butch illustrated the value of a smile and a heartfelt gift.

And with my stepfather, I learned that a bond can grow over time.

Today, I am watching my son, who lost his father when he was just 7, glean the same kind of things from his uncles and grandfather, though it might just seem like he is learning to play backyard sports or video games.

These are all the kind of things you might pick up from a TV dad on a Tuesday night, the lessons you might think you missed if you didn’t have a “real” dad there to tease and bicker and talk.

But the U.S. Census Bureau tells us 19.5 million kids — about 1 in 4 — are living in homes without fathers.

There are attempts to use this as a cautionary tale. Kids without fathers are at greater risk of living in poverty, having behavioral problems, experiencing abuse or neglect, abusing drugs or going to prison. They won’t finish high school. They will have kids as teenagers themselves. And those statistics are both hard to dispute and scary, especially for a single mom.

What we should remember is that it is less important to have a father than it is a “dad,” whether that substitute is an uncle or a cousin or a grandpa or a friend.

It isn’t about taking the place of the man who is missing. It’s about making sure the job gets done in a kid’s life.

If you have a real father in your life, celebrate him on Sunday and know how lucky you are. If you have a stand-in dad, make sure he knows how much his presence in your life has meant to you.

And if you know a kid who needs someone to throw that ball or do that homework or just talk about things the way they might with a dad, be that person. You may not get a tie or a Father’s Day card, but you just might be exactly what is needed.