Hello new hires! Welcome to your new job! Here, you’ll be able to enjoy all the freedom you can muster after working and commuting all day! Be sure to arrive by 8 a.m., even though your kids catch the bus at 8:30. You’ll figure it out!

Lunch is unpaid, even though 30 minutes isn’t enough time to leave, but don’t worry — there’s a shared refrigerator in the lounge, you cute little prisoners!

You also may enjoy your freedom during two whole PTO days after six months of employment, pending manager approval. Feeling sick but used your PTO for routine physicals and dental exams? Not to worry — we offer $7,000 deductibles and a complimentary pamphlet on mental health.

Our pay isn’t consistent with inflation (especially for the ladies!) and you can’t afford a home within 30 miles — but you can quit whenever you want! Unless you need health insurance, or if you find another company to sell your labor to for nearly identical conditions. Think of it as a hostage situation, but one where you’re totally free and not at all indentured!

Don’t forget to get eight hours of sleep, eat five servings of fruits and vegetables, drink eight glasses of water, get one hour of exercise, keep a tidy home, prepare a healthy meal, volunteer in your community, help your kids with their homework, shop locally, have hobbies and practice self-care. Remember, you’re replaceable!

See you tomorrow! Enjoy your new job, and enjoy your freedom!

Christine Snyder

Penn Township, Westmoreland County

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